b3e

Gettin my shit together for Lyss's.
I've had the worst sinus headache like all day... When I sneeze I feel like my head's going to explode (and for the record, I'm letting the sneezes out).
I'm makin it work.
I'm in a really good mood anyway. I'm practicing not reading too far into everything lol.
I realized yesterday that it's getting absurd...
Anthony's hanging out with Chanelle, that bugs me. He's just been gone for like 24 hours and he JUST told me who he was with. I think he did it on purpose, I can't fuckin stand her.
Anyway, life's good.
Thought I should toss that out there.

Now where'd I hide those skipbo cards??

I gotta roll smokes.

I think Marcia's mad at me for mooching all those rides off of her this week (to work).
I'd probably feel really bad if I cared what old ladies thought of me lol
Going to work, then Lyss's later tonight, Sonic tomorrow.
Funfunfun
I love this song.
On myspace, I keep getting Tom's fucking updates even after I deleted him. I have it set so I don't get ANY updates, but I still get his. Luckily, I found a sweet song from it.
I lovelovelove this song. The chick is pretty sweet, I checked out more of her stuff. She's got a really plain face, but I like her music lol.

In other news (random news)-
I itched a raw spot in my chin in my sleep =(
My skin is completely wigging out lately, I fuckin hate it.
Dom and I got into an argument last night. It ended well though. I was just overreacting again, I've been doing that a lot lately.
Mom's getting out sometime between the 23rd and 25th (I dont' know what day). She'll be on an alcohol tether. I have a feeling she'll drink anyway...
Anthony's not going to be here for her arrival, he's going to a reenactment (sp?) with Chris and Kevin.
The kids are coming home for a visit this weekend. That makes me really happy, I miss 'em.
Everytime I talk to them I just miss them more =(

I gotta go get ready for work.

Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat rats? Do rats eat hats?
I have to go to work today. It's a little disappointing, but whatever. I REALLY need the money. I'm probably going to ask her if she'll want me to work Friday too (that's the day the girls' grandpa usually ditches on). I gotta hurry up and cram as much into the car fund as I can before summer's out.
lalalalalalalalalalala
I gotta go shower.

7 hours of sleep last night.
I don't feel like a zombie today, I like this lol.
Dom called me at like 1:30 in the morning just to say hi. I love that he does that. It actually helps me fall asleep once we hang up.
He sounded really sad. We were talking about money and I hate conversations like that. I've been paying for the gas and slurpees lately and I think it makes him feel bad. He's getting a few bucks today from his brother's ex (that owes him a bunch of money)and he was saying he wants to go buy the giant zippo (well, the medium one, the BIG one is rediculous lol) from the road show. I said I'd help with gas because he won't have enough for both and I want to go buy drippy candles anyway. That's when he started sounding sad... He said he's not buying the zippo, he'll pay for gas and we'll go buy me a mountain of drippy candles. Guys confuse me. I think it's the natural instinct to 'provide' or whatever. Then he started talking about calling the lawn guys and maybe working for them again. I don't want him to do that, he was miserable doing that shit. If he did that I'd feel like a total jackass because I know he's putting himself through that for me.
Then he went on a cute little rant apologizing for not telling me he loves me more often. I kind of like that he doesn't say it all the time, once or twice a day is plenty. I think Robert and I wore out the meaning in the words, I don't want to do that again.
He kind of cheered up by the time we hung up, but I don't know.

Michael's going to visit mom today. He asked if I had any messages for her. I told him not to tell her I said hi, and if she asked, to tell her I specifically said to not tell her I said hi.

I need to go get ready for work.

It really is.
I'm not sure of how I should feel.
I'm happy, but... it's complicated.
Last night I couldn't sleep. The urge to grab onto something and not let go just wouldn't die down. I felt like I needed stabilization. Realistically I do, but it was, I don't know, it was more than that.
I feel fine now. I feel lovely.
It's almost like I'm fine until I'm alone, that's when it really hits me that I'm alone.
I fear her coming home. I don't know what it's going to be like.
I don't think it'll be well.
Not at all.


I'm trying to stay as positive as possible.
It works most of the time.

I need to start focusing on my positive energy again. I've been to busy to really be happy.
Fuck all this negative shit.
Fuck it raw.

Good stuff starts... NOW.

Yesterday after seeing mom we picked up Dom, came back here, and listened to angry music. I was so pissed. Then Dwight was being a dick to Lyss, so I bitched at him some. All that shit's too negative though, I'm not gonna think about it.
After Lyss left Dom and I just layed in my bed cuddling and talking for like 4 hours. It was really nice. I don't think I'd ever seen him genuinely smile that much. Making people smile makes me smile. We were just a couple of goofy, smiley motherfuckers lol.
It was really nice.
We had argued a little beforehand. It was a misunderstanding on my part and I felt like a total dick when I realized that.
I was thinking about it earlier today and realized that I like him even more just by the way he argues. The thing is, he doesn't really. He defended himself and realized that I wasn't backing down so he just walked away. It's like he knew that I was going to figure out I was wrong and he just wanted to let me do my thing until then.
I love that boy.
It's like every day I find another reason to just wrap my arms around his neck and not let go.

Oh god, Sunday night was so fantastic.
I still can't get over that lol.
Got drunk, walked my neighborhood a little, the guys pissed on a car lmfao, we sobered up a little and then went half naked swimming in Megan's old apartment complex's pool.
I couldn't remember the last time I'd jumped a fence bahaha.
God, I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed like I did that day.
I love having friends that'll help me forget what a horrible day I was having.

I have to go to work.
I need to call the kids later too.
I miss 'em.
But I know they're having fun, so it makes it a little easier.

My grandparents will be here at 7 to get the kids.
I hate my father.
I hate my father.
I hate my father.
He's trying to get me to go. NOT HAPPENING.
I hate my father.
I hate my father.
I hate my father.
I have to go pack the kids' stuff.
I hate my father.
I hate my father.
I hate my father.

I hate my mother.
I hate my mother.
I hate my mother.

Why do they put us through this?

There's not enough sleep in the world to cure my sleepiness lol.
I have officially hit the 'Too tan' point. You can see how much blonde arm hair I have =(
Cigarette count-
Wednesday- 11
Thursday- 12
I'm proud of myself. I'm actually making an effort not to smoke as much. I've been up for 40 minutes and just lit my first.
My allergies are buggin the shit out of me lately. Luckily, I've grown immune to the dogs where I work. I just cut myself off of my allergy meds and now they freak out more when I'm not at work than they do when I'm there haha.
Mom's in jail. Everyone thinks that I just don't want to talk about it, but honestly, what is there to talk about?
I wrote her a letter, I just have to find out where to send it. It explains that I've given up. This time I'm serious. Why is her 16 year old putting more effort into her stopping than she is? I'm done.
Here's the end to the two page letter-
"I'm so sick of this.
sick of it all
How could you?
I want you to know that I'm giving up.
This was the straw that broke my heart.
It's up to you now.
Fix yourself.
I won't hold my breath.
Prove my thoughts wrong.
I triple-dog fucking dare you (If that's what it takes)."
Signed "Your broken hearted 16 year old daughter that wouldn't love you if she hadn't come out of you, Andrea"
I'm listening to wonderwall. Goodgoodgood tune.
I have to get dressed and do my hair. I'm waking up Dom with coffee, meeting Rob for coffee at noon, then going with Dom to drop off his brother at the bus station in Detroit at 4. We'll be home to make sure the kids get off with dad alright.
Dom told me he loved me last night. I told him I think I might love him back. I'm not ready to just say it though, I won't until I'm sure.
Oh, Aimee, you missed the cute asking. I told him no the first two times he asked because I didn't think he asked correctly lol. The first time I had just come out of the bathroom and Aimee was just sitting there watching. Awkward. I said no.
Then he was being all cute in my livingroom and was like 'Date me' I said no because it sounded like a demand, not a question haha.
The third try- We were out in my driveway talking, I was sitting on the car trunk. We discussed... us. We told eachother how happy the other makes us. He gave me a piggy back ride to the house and stopped halfway to the porch, he asked and I said yes and proceeded to kiss his cheek the entire way back to the couch =D
I thought that one was worth the wait.
So the creepy news of the week-
Dom and I dated from May 23rd to june 23rd. We started dating again July 22nd.
Month on, month off anyone?
Whatever.
I have to go do my hair.

♥

Alex called me at 7 this morning to let me know that I didn't have to work today and to go back to bed. I'm pretty glad I don't have to ride my bike through all this gloom that may turn into rain.
I really need to take a shower, but I don't feel like it. There isn't enough coffee in me yet to worry about things like standing for long periods of time.
Last night I stayed up until like 2 in the morning talking to Rob. He used to be friends with Anthony and shit when he went to North (he was the drummer in Third Word War).
He's actually a really cool guy. Apparently he's like damn near buddhist and had gotten into a really animilalistic shouting match with his mom. He was having a hard time living with himself afterward, so we talked about it. I brought up some good points and he said I completely made his day for having clarified things.
He's like a well of peaceful knowledge. We already decided to do coffee sometime.
I'm actually really excited to hear more from this guy, I think I could use a new way to look at things.

THE SUN IS COMING OUT.

...I think I just jinxed it.

Mom's going to jail tomorrow. She already told us that she plans to just drink the entire day away.
I'm really sick of this.

Alright, I'm gonna go wash myself now.

I'm chillin at Aimee's.
The Emily Rose Surprise party was cancelled =(
that totally bums me out. I was geeked for it. Apparently no one else was...
I'm grounded from Dom for two weeks. This is going to be a pretty lame two weeks lol.
But I still don't get why Anthony and Patty can sleep in the same bed under the same blanket and I can't sleep in the same bed under separate blankets as someone. That's such bullshit.
Mom actually said that the reason is he's older and can't get pregnant.
THAT'S BULLSHIT.
Hey, Ma, thanks for calling me a slut.
And then the next morning when her and michael were driving me to work Michael asked me some question and mom jumped in to answer and pass judgement on my love life. She basically said that I'm sleeping in the same bed as Dom (whom I'm not dating) because I'm not good enough to find a guy that's interested in more than just sex.

Mom,
FOR THE FUCKING RECORD- We didn't have sex. He slept in my fucking bed because we're both going through so much bullshit in our lives that we need to have a night to escape it all and just cuddle someone that we know genuinely gives a shit.
Stop talking shit about Dom when you don't even know him. Seriously, he's the one that held my hand to keep it from shaking with rage when I sat and watched you lie to a judge to get out so you can come home to your 'Children' (which is code for bottle). He's the only guy I've ever met that knows the truth about you and doesn't avoid coming to my house because of it. He comes over to help me cope with you!
And who in the hell are you to talk shit about my love life. You're on your third fucking husband and you still haven't gotten it right!
I'm not even committing to DATING him because I'm not sure it'll work. If you were me right now you would've already married him, had a kid or two, and taken all he has on your way out the door.
Shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Andrea


That felt good.
I'm going to smoke another cigarette and let it go.
Thinking about her is just pushing her negative energy farther out unto the universe.

Crashed at Aimee's last night. She got a friggin iMac yesterday, that thing is absurd. She got a camcorder too, so we were taking video of everything ever haha. When she drove me home to get clothes last night we took video of the car ride there and amazingly enough we saw my dad riding his bike down the street, that was the laugh of the week.

So now I'm at work, listening to some Jeremy Bender because I actually hadn't gotten around to doing it until now.
Yay procrastination!

"I don't need medicine to cure the sickness everybody kinda needs"
Good line.

Anyway... yea.
I'm going to find a way to make today absolutely wonderful even though I could really just kill my 'boss'.
Seriously, I've had just about enough of men that try and make me feel small because they're insecure. Raising your voice to me does nothing but prove that deep down you have no self respect.
I might end up going all 'Nanny Diaries' by the end of Summer. Honestly, your children are more than an extension of your ego. Oh, and speaking of extensions, I saw in your computer history that you're in the market for a penis pump lol. Also, you should probably hide your porn better, your kids could easily find this shit.
And who the hell beats it to a naked chick making pie anyway?? You have a hot wife, why is she not enough?
If your kids want to eat cookies all day I'm going to let them, I think you're the one that needs to lay off the junk food. Take your $400 juicer and shove it.
You're lucky to have found a babysitter as cheap as me.
I don't even make half of minimum wage and you think I'm going to take this shit from you?
HA
Try it again and watch me make a total fool of you in front of your children.
Well, that ended up being a rant.
Whatever.
Have a lovely day =D

Why are the majority of the men in my life egomaniacs that get off on trying to make me feel small?
For the record, jackasses, it doesn't work. I know the only reason you do this shit is to make yourself feel like a man, and honestly, it does nothing but prove you aren't one.
You know what? Go ahead; raise your voice, make your threats, hit me if you must. At the end of the day I still have what you don't and that is self respect and confidence that comes naturally.
Bite me!

We were gonna go visit mom today, but they moved her, so her visiting day is tomorrow.
My arm hurts like I've been working out, but it's only the right arm. The only thing I can think of that I did with it out of the ordinary is throwing all those damn poppers at Aimee's the other night lol.
My hair looks like hell.
I need to go get my pictures from CVS...
Michael woke me up with a cup of coffee in my face and pancakes and bacon cooking.
Very sweet of him... it was kind of weird

I think I'll do my hair and then convince Michael to drive me.

There has been so much fun in the past few days it's almost sick.
I ALMOST feel bad for having such a good time while all of this shitty shit is goin on... ALMOST
Really, I can see how everything bad that's happening is going to somehow turn out well.
Just let it roll, ya know?
Mom being in jail might get her help.
Timmy throwing a dog off a balcony TWICE might make him and his family get help.
Dom being a dick is actually teaching me a lot about myself and how I handle situations.
Being scared out of my mind made me appreciate my life a little more.
This new livingroom set is actually a lot comfier than the old shit.
I have no clean laundry, but it's making me wear shit I generally don't, and so I'm using my dresser to the fullest.
Michael being weird is making him not bitch about my music.
yea.
Bahaha
It's all good.
Oh, and my bed is super cozy because I haven't been on it in days =D

(You're probably not going to get this one either)
I love life, but I still can't get rid of that gut feeling.
That knot in my stomach, that lump in my throat, that voice in my head; they're all still there.
It's getting harder to ignore.
Why won't it just HAPPEN already??!
It's driving me up the wall.

Yesterday sucked SO fucking bad. That was like the worst day of my life...
Well, not the WORST day of my life, but probably the most frazzled.
Then Dom came over at like 2am to help me figure out the situation. He was so incredibly sweet about it it's amazing.
Yesterday morning I was seriously considering just cutting him out of my life completely, but after him sticking by me through those few really bad hours I couldn't possibly do that. Last night I really saw the good person in him, the real friend in him.
So around 3 I sat through the most painfully long few minutes of my life which brought the GREATEST RELIEF I'VE EVEREVEREVEREVEREVER FELT.
I don't think I'd ever been so high on joy.
I really can't get over how wonderful Dom is though...

So I made a few decisions after this great relief.
I'm seriously not taking life for granted anymore. It's too precious to waste.
When I said I wouldn't be dating for awhile I should've stuck to it. I know myself better than to say that this time I will, but at least this time I'm going to try harder. I really need to just focus on me right now.
My education needs a little more focus. I'm going to put more effort in next year.
I need to let my friends know how much they mean to me. I'm really going to work on that, I don't know if I tell them I love them enough.
And finally, I'm going to smile more.
Fuck the negativity, man.

Last night was pretty life changing, not even kidding.

I love life right now.

Anyone reading this probably won't get it. I'm writing this for me, not you.
Yes, it's coded.

Today is 40.
Today is panic.
Today is stress.

I'm freakin out, man.
I think that's why I'm sick, I'm stressin out so fuckin hard it's actually making me physically ill.
I need to breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't do anything.
It's still there.
This isn't something I can walk away from now.



Today is panic.

Why in the hell am I incapable of staying mad at him??
I really should be.
God, I'm incapable of staying mad at anyone these days...
I think it's because I've gotten too good at just letting shit go. When I started trying to not care I thought that it would never work, now I find myself wishing I cared more.
I'm a push over.
What the hell??
I think I'm in need of some intense Alanis Therapy.
SOMETHING.

Why am I considering being peaceful a bad thing?
Have I crossed the line of peace and misuse?
Why am I asking questions to a box on a screen on a box?

Dear ASSFACE,
What the FUCK makes you think that you have the right to just fucking walk on people like that??! Who the hell do you think you are??!!!
God fucking dammit.
Whatever. I wish you well in all you do, especially her. Hope you get herps.
FUCKING BITE ME.
Sincerely,
Andrea.
P.S. If it weren't for the bag of weed you owe me I'd probably never talk to you again. I'll be over to get that around noon...


That made me feel a little better.

Mom was drunk and fighting with Anthony on the phone last night. She started taking it out on me, I freaked out.
I didn't know what to do.
I called Aimee because I have no cajones.
Mom's in jail.

She sees the judge at like 1 this afternoon.
Somehow she managed to spend or lose like $200 before she left, that was grocery money. We can't find it anywhere...
Michael came home last night. He's sitting here watching tv.
We talked about the situation briefly. He thinks they'll give her a month, I think they'll give her a year. He said if she gets a year he hopes I have fun at my dad's...
I hope he was kidding.
He sounded pretty serious though...


I have to go get ready for work.