InsaneJournal

Current location:	Aimee's
Current mood:	thoughtful
Current music:	The Dresden Dolls- Mrs.O

I really need to do this more often...
I don't update nearly enough.
Let's not dwell on it though, because it'll just distract me from updating now.

I'm sitting in Aimee's kitchen. I spent the night here after helping paint Emily's new apartment. Aimee and Ted are at church right now with Ted's dad. It's one of the 'firsts' since Ted's mom died. I can't even imagine what that would be like for his dad. The thought of losing ANYONE I love kills me, but the thought of losing my spouse, my other half. GOD DAMN. I don't even know if I've found them yet, but I can't imagine losing them. That'd just kill me, I think. I'd have to go with them.

Enough of this death stuff... I'm still alive dammit. That's what counts, right?

Aimee's computer has a goddam remote ::falls over laughing::
That kills me.

What can I say? Where do I start?

Well, Friday was halloween. Chris and Nurse Amy came up from Indiana, Jenny came over from Cadillac. It was like a big reunion. Those three, Kevin, Anthony, and I all went trick-or-treating by my place. After Rob took Kaylee trick-or-treating he came over and we immediately went back to Kevin's for a bonfire. Two of Kevin's friends came over and were lame. It was pretty sweet though. Anthony and I bought the tree and we all just smoked our faces off. We all laughed, told stories, competed for who could tell the stupidest joke. It was amazing. I think that I really needed that night. I needed the reminder that everything can just be lighthearted for a few hours. Anthony made an improv coombaya (spelling?) and it was like 2 minutes long and AMAZING. Unfortunately it was like right after he put away the dictaphone =(
I would've loved to hear that again in a year haha. SOSOSO funny.
There was one shitty part to the night though. Everyone sort of started attacking my age and bringing up that Rob could go to jail for being with me and shit. It's one thing to tease me about my age, that's normal. I'm the only one in the group that can't buy cigarettes legally and they love reminding me of that. But they turned it offensive and brought my sex life into it. It was actually really harsh.
I'm not even thinking about having sex with Rob. Well, it would be a lie if I said I hadn't thought about it... but I'm not thinking about it actually happening. We're seriously taking it really slow. We like it the way it is. We've had very long and very meaningful conversations about the possibility and we've come to the conclusion that we're not ready at all.
I'm sick of sex. That sounds crazy, but it's true. It's not that I'm sick of the act, that sort of thing (when done right) never gets old. I'm just sick of what happens afterward. I'm sick of the changes it brings.
With Robert it was amazing. It started out very meaningful, very beautiful. I have absolutely no regrets. I'm glad to have had my first time with someone that meant that much to me. It turned into something ugly though. By the end of our relationship the only thing keeping us together was the good sex. I HATE THAT. I hate knowing that what we had came down to that. Robert and I were so... I don't even know how to express it. Robert knew me as well as I knew myself and visa versa. I would still take a bullet for that boy, I swear. But I really do believe that the sex complicated it toooooo much. No one will ever understand everything that happened between he and I, but that's about the best I can lay it out.
With Dom... I was stupid. I thought there was more there than there was. I was blinded. I was STUPID. I gave him what he wanted because I thought that was how it worked. It wasn't though. He was there for the sex. Mark my words: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Rob. Rob is almost too good to be true. I see his good, I see his bad. He sees my good, he sees my bad. We take eachother as we are and ask nothing more. We're still getting to know eachother, honestly. I don't want the pace we're at to change one bit. Sex would be trying to jump over the grand canyon instead of taking the long way around. We're enjoying the walk.
On top of all of my reasons he has his. No one seems to have stopped to consider that he has a daughter. She's a little more than a year old and he hasn't had sex since she was conceived. Does no one realize how scary the idea of sex can be for him now? When he was still a child he had a child with someone that he knew he didn't love. He's learned from his mistakes.
The point of all of that- Sex doesn't concern us right now and it would be wonderful if it didn't concern our friends as well.

Wow, if that wasn't one hell of a rant I don't know what is.

I'm listening to Aimee's music now. I hope she doesn't get mad lol.
And I'm eating her pumpkin seeds...
I feel at home haha.

She gave me a set of proactive last night and I'm sooooosooosooo happy about it. I've wanted that shit for ages. It's only the little set, but if it works for me I'll be buying it once it's out. I just haven't wanted to make the investment without knowing if my skin will react badly to it. But I used it last night and I see nothing but improvement, so BAM lol.

I've been updating for like 45 minutes.
Anyway...

Do sunflower seeds taste anything like sunflowers? Pumpkin seeds don't taste very pumpkin-y...
Just a thought.

I have no idea how to work the music player on here. I haven't broken anything though.
Her Maria Mena collection is impressive as hell. I haven't heard half of this in ages. I cant find the shit anymore, it's nice to hear it again.
When Rachel and I first started hanging out all we listened to was Maria Mena. It was amazing. I miss the old Rachel, seriously.
It kills me to see how she is now because it's not AT ALL who I used to think she was. I thought we had some sort of special connection, but I guess it was bullshit. I don't know.
Whatever.

I'm smoking my last cigarette. Aimee and Ted should be home in like less than an hour with more though so I'm not too worried.
I'm smoking too much lately. I was doing really well for awhile, but I'm just so stressed lately. Home isn't as lovely as I'd like to be able to honestly say. Rob wants us to quit together. We haven't decided when though. I think it'd be a good idea if we saw eachother more. We could get on eachothers asses about it better.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I remember having a dream about my Marylin lighter the other night. That's so weird. I hadn't thought about it until now but I don't know where it went. I haven't seen it in awhile. It just sort of disappeared when i broke up with Dom...
But I had this dream the other night that Siara had it or something. I don't really remember. That's strange.

Maria Mena is one broken lady. Wow. I hadn't thought about it in awhile. She's really good at wording heartbreak though.

I miss Lyss. She has this thing on her myspace with pictures of her best friends in it. I'm the first one. She puts these little blurbs about the person underneath the picture and the one for me is just full of inside jokes lol. I love it.
We don't spend nearly enough time together these days =(
I don't spend nearly enough time with anyone lately. I just sit at home all the damn time hating my house. It's so negative and tense. We're all holding our breath because of mom.
The day that tether comes off will kill me. She's going to drink, I know it. I have a feeling that'll be the day I'm forced to face the reality of moving out. I know that however things go I'm not going to leave on good terms.
The inevitable-
She will relapse eventually.
I will speak up about it.
We will fight.
I will leave.
I don't know if it will be by choice or not, but I know it's coming.

It's all scary.
That's why I'm smoking so much.
The little girl in me is hiding in a corner and I can't get her out. The light from the windows doesn't touch her. She's not full of hope like she used to be. She knows the end is coming and she's so stubborn. She doesn't see the good in anything anymore. She's just scared and lost.
The woman in me is ready to take charge, but she won't go without the girl. I don't want to lose her.
I don't want to be one of those cold old women. I don't want to lose the child in me. I need to get her out of the corner and back into the sunshine. It'll remind her that there is beauty in everything.
I don't know. I'll figure it all out, I'm just having a hard time with it.

Alright, I have to go get ready.
They'll be home soon and then we'll be going to Emily's.

Peace,
Bee