b3e

Dear ____,
Where the fuck do you come off thinking it's going to be that goddam easy?? Avoid me for 39 hours, admit that you did, throw out a simple 'I'm sorry', and expect everything to go back to the way it was before?
I thought you were different. I really did.
You're just another one of them. The all singing, all dancing, decaying organic matter of the world. Fuck yourself. Fuck yourself hard tonight because I certainly won't. Happy Fucking Valentine's day, dick wad.
I can't wait to see what you have to say. I should have been meaner in the texts. I was pretty cold already though. I don't know, I think I probably played the hand I was dealt to the best of my ability...
Anyway, yes, I will come over this evening. I will come over so that we can talk, like you want. If you don't come up with a valid explanation though, I pray for all of the fragile objects I'm capable of breaking on my way home. Past that, I'll pray for every good man that ever wants more than to just cross my path. I'm sure I'll put them through a far more rigorous series of stupid tests before I let them into my heart. I think you owe every last one of them an apology. I know that they won't get it though.
Why did I ever get hooked on a man that lives his life on his selfish terms and his selfish terms alone?
Silly me. Silly heart. Silly world.
I'm going to stop here so that I can take myself into the bathroom and get hotter than you've ever seen me. I'm going to dress up myself and my confidence and I hope my ass looks painfully fantastic when I walk away. I hope it stings.
Sincerely,
Bee

Dear Jeremy,
Thank you. Even if it didn't get across as well as it should have when you said it, your pep talk has changed my point of view. I'm far more confident and ready for this just because of the things that you said the other night.
Yes, I will take my stand on a mountain. Yes, I will probably yell at that boy. Yes, I will be amazing again. And yes, there will come a day that we will hold hands, cry, and scream at the moon together. I can't wait for that day.
Love always,
Andrea

I hadn't realized how rough Christmas would be.
Aimee and Ted are expecting me to wake them up and be all excited and Christmasy. I just need a few. I have to pull myself together.
I'm a strong person. I have been for a long time. I'm known for it. I can prance through family warfare without flinching, but I can't stop myself from breaking down on Christmas morning when my alarm wakes me up instead of little feet jumping on my bed and little hands poking my face. It's the small things that kill me these days.
I miss them so fucking much.
It doesn't even feel like Christmas without them.
They're growing up. They're turning into real people with real feelings and views and personalities and I'm not even there to get to know them. I'm not there to help drag Matthew away from the video games and ask him what's really wrong and why he's hiding in a screen. I'm not there to help baby learn how to use a blow dryer and teach her about why girls are supposed to get dolled up (for themselves and no one else). I'm not there to hold them when they're homesick. I'm not there to play with them when they're bored. I'm not there to answer their silly questions about life with the well thought out answers I've been planning since I figured them out.

I have to pull myself together.
Aimee's phone is going off.

Merry Christmas

(Written after completion
Warning- The way that I write journal entries now are really just scatter brained ramblings for the most part. If certain parts and subject jumps don't make sense, just know that it's because my brain works that way)

There's so much I want to say, it's hard thinking of where to start.
I normally would start out with the basics of what's going on in my life, but honestly, it's been so long since I've updated this that it would take too long and I'd never actually say anything that matters. It's just the basics of what's going on. There's always something going on. There's always something crazy going on. Whatever. I'm getting really good at living my life around the crazy shit going on.
I've grown a lot as a person in the last 6 months. I feel like I know myself a lot better than I ever expected to at age 17. I still lie and omit and all that jazz; everyone does. Everyone always has and always will. The trick to life is not lying to yourself. I'm accepting myself for who I REALLY am. That's true love. If you ask anyone that knows what they're talking about, they'll tell you that to love someone fully you have to accept them for who they really are. I love myself.
I can see how that can be taken the wrong way though. I'm not saying that I'm in love with myself and everyone should love me and that I'm perfect and blah blah blah overconfidence blah. I'm flawed. Don't doubt that one bit. I love myself though, flaws and all. That's a breakthrough every human needs to make. You have to accept and love yourself before you can really worry about the outside world.
Despite accepting and loving myself though, I'm working on self-betterment. I think that's really healthy too. There's always room for improvement.
I'm probably rambling. Whatever.
So I'm talking myself into going to Anthony's today. It doesn't take too much to talk myself into going over there, it is, however, taking a bit of convincing to get myself to tell him about Nick. I don't think anyone will ever grasp the kind of love and respect I hold for Anthony. I hate 'omitting' from him. It's really tearing me up inside. I'm afraid of how he'll react though. I think I'm afraid of how he'll react because it could go so many ways. Using Anthony's 50/50 outlook, it'll either be good or bad. Everything either is or isn't. It's not that simple though. There are about 50 ways that each of those two could go. I'm pretty sure it'll be on the bad side of the initial 50, but I don't know what end of the spectrum within that it'll be on. ...I guess we'll find out as soon as I find my testicles.
I'm really glad it's nice out though. It's probably freezing (I haven't checked the temperature), but it's really sunny and pretty. A 'blue sky day'.
I'm going to make today good. I'm going to make today good. I'm going to make today good.
I'm pretty frustrated at the pill today. I've been bleeding for a week now and it's not even that color pill yet. Fucking awesome. By the time I'm actually supposed to have a period, there won't be anything left to come out. My uterus will just hit the ground. Remind me not to wear a skirt... hahaha. That was gross, I know. I found it entertaining though. That goes along with my self love; I love the sick side to my sense of humor even if nobody else does.
Aimee and Ted are still sleeping. I really like just having time to myself in the mornings. The sun's up and the few birds that are left are chirping and I can just breathe. I love them dearly, don't get me wrong, but I need time alone at home every now and then... even if I'm not actually alone.
I really appreciate everything that they're doing for me. Honestly. I don't think they see it, but I do. They dropped their lives for me. Well, no. They didn't drop their lives for me, they just kind of sucked me into it with open arms. That's a big deal. I'm a lot to put up with, especially with all of the crazy shit that's always going on in my family life. Hell, minus my crazy family shit I'm a lot to put up with. I realize that.
But you know, we're REALLY getting to know each other. I'm convinced now that you can't really know a person until you've lived with them. At home is where you can be your true self. I've known them both for the majority of my life and I'm still learning about them. Ted's kind of separate. He's not nearly as open as Aimee and I understand and respect that. Aimee though; I thought I knew Aimee before this and I'm sure she thought she knew me, but we've learned A LOT about each other in the last 6 months.
When I first moved in here, when my mom was in rehab, it felt like an extended slumber party. My bed was the bed that I had slept on for sleepovers before, Aimee and I hung out like we always had, etc. After a few months though, the slumber party was over. I feel like this is my home now, even if I don't have a bedroom. Don't get me wrong, it bothers the hell out of me sometimes that I don't have a room, but at the end of the day, I'm more grateful for my portion of the living room than you could imagine.

After a thought break-
These beautiful people have really rearranged their lives for me.
They took me in when I could've gone to Brooklyn. They took me in because they knew that going to Brooklyn could ruin my mentality as well as my future.
Now pull in the idea of accepting someone very different from you for who they really are.

"self⋅less  [self-lis]
–adjective
having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish."

Within my set of beliefs, the position and importance of love is very high. It's at the top of the list. I believe there are levels to love though; different kinds and ways. Being here has added an off-branch to my chart. Two, actually; the way that they love me and the way that I love them.
I really hope one day that I can make them see that. They would defend that they see it now, but I know that they don't fully understand. It's hard to make someone understand something you can't put into words. I just hope that one day I can find a way to truly express it.

After another thought and cigarette break and on a completely different and much lighter note-
I'm kind of stressing about the Scholastics Competition. No, I'm really stressing about it.
I'm not stressing about how my portfolio will do within it (yet). Right now I'm stressing about making sure it gets in there and that I'M happy with what I'm putting in. When it comes to my work, I put a lot more pressure on myself than anyone else. I really am my own worst critic.
Everyone sees things differently. I'm really at a rough spot in my artistic life right now and I think it has a lot to do with Scholastics. I've always done my work to MY standards. The problem arising now though is that my standards may be nothing like anyone else's.
What'd I tell you? I wasn't stressed about how my portfolio would do in the competition until a few SENTENCES later. GOD DAMN.
Yesterday with Nick, we were talking about school and I brought up scholastics. I told him I was stressed about getting everything ready in time. He asked how he could help. There's really nothing he can do, but I was flattered that he honestly asked with a face as sincere as it was.
He's always so sincere.
I wish I had someone to talk to about him. I wish I could just sit with someone and go on about him and how he makes me feel, the way he looks at me, the way he says things that no one else ever has, the way he notices the things no one else ever has, and, really, the way he makes me feel.
Aimee told me that she read through my old posts on here and she suggested that I do the same. I did. I know she was speaking mostly about the entry I made while I was in Georgia. About us Hoops and our need for acceptance and love from single outside sources. We talked the other night about the importance of looking back through old journal entries and being reminded of lessons we thought we'd never forget. I forgot that one; I'll admit that.
I reread it the other night and then again this morning. I think I needed it. I put me in check. Not that I was out of check, but I think I may have been straying a little. Love ('serious like') makes a person do crazy things; I'll admit that too.
Chad and I have had a series of long talks about relationships and love. We've concluded that a healthy relationship can never be based on need. You have to want someone more than you need them. You can't base your self-worth on what other people think you're worth. I used to have a problem with that.
The thing about Nick though is that he thinks I'm worth what I already think I'm worth. It's wonderful having an outside source AGREE with you about what you're worth.
He makes me feel beautiful without saying a word. We can talk for hours without needing to finish sentences because we just look at each other and know that the other gets what we're trying to say. We do finish sentences, but it's great that we know we don't HAVE TO. We have a lot of the same beliefs. We've had VERY different lives, but oddly, they've put us in very similar mental places. We talk about our beliefs and agree on them and then talk about how we came to believe them. The second half is the really interesting part. HE'S really interesting.
And the best part of all of this is something he said a few days ago. We were talking about everything going on with the scheduling and disapproval and yeah yeah yeah (I don't feel like explaining EVERYTHING. Like I said at the beginning of this, if I just gave the basics on what's going on in my life I'd never talk about the things that really belong in a journal). He stopped me and said that even if we're not allowed to see each other for four months and even if we don't work out as a couple and even if blah blah blah (everything that could go wrong), it's enough knowing that he's at least found a true friend in all of this. I agree wholeheartedly.
In this world, friends are more important than lovers.
Now, finding both in one is a miracle, but we all know I don't spend my life waiting for miracles.
Above all else, he's a true friend. The kissing and anything else to come is just bonus.
Back on the Anthony thing though- I'm going to tell him today. I have to. I really feel that I have to. He can be upset all he wants, but he needs to know. He's my best friend and I know that in time he'll be happy for me. He wants me to be happy.

I've been sitting here for AT LEAST an hour. I think I'm finally out of steam.
Happy Saturday, World.

Dear __________,
I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think I'll ever be over you. I don't think I'll ever not worry about you and your well being. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what I did. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for what you did. I don't think I'll ever just be done.
I'm crying over you again.
I was doing so well. I was fine. I dealt with it, I moved on, and here I am again.
I said goodbye a handful of times and I always end up calling again. I wrote letters, I had a funeral for our relationship, I burned things, I buried things, I did it all. But I didn't dispose of it all and I can't. I can't let it all go. Even if I were to abandon the material possessions you'd still be in the back of my head.
I always break the goddam wound back open just for you to tell me I'm wrong to use your lord's name in vein. I leave and I always come back. I'm like a fucking dog that ran away from home. For the longest time I came back and you let me in, but for quite some time now you've had the door locked. Why am I still tempted to try the knob? Why am I still wishing you'd just call me? Even if I got in, even if you called; you're not you. The boy I loved is gone. The boy I love is gone.
It always comes back to you. Everything comes back to you. Rightly so. You were everything. You were my first. You were mine and I was yours.
Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Is it really worth it to be relentlessly haunted by the happiest times of my life? We've been apart now as long as we were together and I still can't escape you.
It's fall. You loved fall. The day I realized my heart was truly yours was a brilliantly lit day in fall.
Why do I do this? Why can't I just let you go? Why can't you just come back?
Why do I ask questions that I don't want the answer to?

I have to stop writing before I break down again.
I wish you well.

Sincerely,
Andrea

I want to go on a date. I haven't been on an actual date in a pretty long time.
When will people realize that romance doesn't just happen?
A date is NOT...
Making out on your parent's couch.
Going to a party.
Hanging out with a group of friends.
Having sex in a public place.
Going somewhere together for a definite purpose (other than just being together)

You're supposed to...
Open doors
Say sweet things
Get to know one another
Be alone together (even in a crowd)
Have fun
Laugh and enjoy life
Enjoy the simple company of the other person


Teenage boys are so fucking stupid I can't stand it anymore. For once, can I just meet a sane guy with morals that likes me and that I like back? How hard would that be for the universe to arrange?

I don't want to be that girl that makes out with her best friend for kicks.
I want someone to look at me like I'm the only one in the room. I want someone to be sweet to me for the sake of being sweet to me and not just to look good or get into my pants.
I want someone to care about me. I want someone to tell me I mean more to them than the phone buzzing in their pocket or an invitation to a party. I want someone that will fall for me at the same rate I fall for them. I want someone that won't get weird and creepy a month in. I want someone willing to break stupid plans to be with me. I want someone that won't break stupid plans with me to do something else unimportant. I want someone that thinks I'm important. I want someone that I don't HAVE to be the strong one with. I want someone that will make me be a better person without knowing it. I want someone with dreams something along the same lines as mine. I want someone that understands my complicated life and is there when I need them but backs up when I ask. I want to feel butterflies. I want to make someone else feel butterflies. I want someone to want me. I want someone to love me. But what I want most is to feel that tingle in my chest when I tell them how I feel and they agree.


I'm just a silly teenage girl though.

They're taking my car; possibly my phone as well.
They can take it all.
I'd rather they just get it over with and leave me be.

I just feel like typing out my thoughts, so here I am. I really don't update as much as I should but I'm sure that I say that every time that I post. Whatever.
I'm listening to Bad Company. This shit makes me so happy. This song has been following me for weeks now and the other day I finally sat down and just sang along to it and felt like a million bucks when I was done. I've known the song my entire life and I never really gave it the time of day. I think it was following me so that I'd be forced to give it the attention that it deserves.
I love music. Music's been getting me by lately like it used to.
I'm the kind of person that thinks a lot about the old times, but lately that's been different. I've been thinking almost constantly about the future (for a few days now) and it's not even the selfish kind of future-thinking that I would normally do. I'm not thinking about my future, I'm thinking of the future of humanity. That sort of thing used to make me sad because it seems like such a lost cause, but it's different now.
I said that I knew drum circle changed me but I wasn't sure of how. Well, I figured it out. There's hope now. I am filled with nothing but hope and ideas for the change. Seeing that this large a group of strangers from different places, lifestyles, beliefs, and times can come together and just let good energy flow all around has changed my life. I shit you not; I feel like a new person.
I may have a job as well. Actually, I do have a job, but I can't tell my mother that yet because she'd trip if I took a job before I told her about it. But fuck it, I'll work behind her back if I have to. I'll fake having a boyfriend that takes up all of my time if I have to; I'm determined.
At Pride in Ferndale I met a man named Marvin. Marvin Marvin of the Partie Party, actually. He's a college professor, a world traveler, a stoner, an idea man, a public speaker, an activist, and my ticket into the world where change is more than talk. He's my boss =D
He always has a pile of projects going at once and he'd like me to help him work on all of them, but I'm mostly concerned with the Earth Community project and the Partie Party.
Earth community is about bringing people together. Safety in numbers? Of course. "Earth Community, you're already a part of it!". We just need to spread the word, the love, and the energy.
The Partie Party is the People's Alliance to Reform, Transform, and Improve Everything. Don't you love it? I do. This is the more teen-focused group. This one is about (well, it's in the name, but there's more) stopping the oppression of teenagers. We are the future; stop holding us back.
Those are just brief summaries, but if you want to really find out more you can just google them lol. That's right; I'm working for a group that can be googled!
earthcommunity.org/marvin -- check it out
So I'm just giddy as hell right now, eating a yogurt, and now I'm sick of typing so I'm going to shut up lol
Ummm... yeah
Peace.

"These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks.
It feels right.
All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright."

I heard this lyric on the way to drun circle tonight and realized how fucking true it is about halfway through the night. I just had to share that.

I went to drum circle. I've never felt so free. I was a wallflower at 8:30 and by 11 I was drumming, dancing, chatting with strangers, and feeling that everything in life will be just fine. I loved it so much. You have no idea.
I'm different now.
I don't know how, but I know that it's true.


I love you.

Fuck this shit fuck this shit fuckthisshit

Dear _________,
You're a fucking liar and you know it. Is it fun keeping all of this shit from me? Is it fun thinking that I don't know who and how you really fucking are? Just keep putting on that silly little voice and pretending we have some great fucking relationship. I figured you out, asshole. Get the fuck away from me.

And

Dear __________,
You've got to be kidding me.
Really?

Dear ________________,
I can't believe you haven't caught on. Actually, you probably have, you just don't want to confront the situation. I don't blame you, really. In your place I'd play dumb as well. But please PLEASE please, for the sake of my sanity, stop dancing around it.
I don't know what I expect of it. Really, I don't think that there's any way it could go well in the long run, but I do know that it needs to be spoken of before I lose my mind. We'll just talk about it and then leave it at that. We can forget the conversation ever happened, I'm fine with that. Well, I won't be fine with that, but I'll get over it. I promise. I really do bounce back quickly.
We really should just have the conversation and then drop it. I don't want it to complicate our lives any. I want to still have a relationship of sorts with you, just please understand that my sanity depends on this conversation happening. Please. Please.
I know you know that I know that you know. Just say something!
Let's just meet somewhere and talk. I won't even crack jokes about your silly hat. We don't even have to look at eachother during the conversation. That actually might be better. Let's talk while we go for a walk and both just keep our faces forward. That'd be fine.
I'm rambling, I know, but you're used to it.
I have to go to bed.
Call me. Text me. Message me. Write me a letter. Show up at my house. Show up at my school. Do something.
Let's get this talk out of the way now so we won't have to deal with it later.

Love always,
Me

I smoked a cigarette on Thursday at 3 in the morning before we left for New York. I chewed nicotine gum that I bought off of Marissa on Thursday and Friday. Saturday I completely went without nicotine (even though I had gum in my pocket) until I hit mom's cigarette ONCE at about 9 pm. I passed out on the couch at about 10 and got back up Sunday morning around 5:30. It's 6:30 and I just walked in from smoking a half a cigarette. I hate myself a little bit. I sat my ass in the freezing cold and felt my lungs shrivel up and my weezing start again. I tossed it at the halfway mark and resisted the urge to run after it. Did I mention that I hate myself right now?
I'm sick of needing it. I'm sick of wanting it. I think needing something unnecessary is fucking stupid. I really hate myself for having started in the first place. This is so much harder than I had thought it would be. I want to go around warning children not to do things that they'll regret later, but I know that no one would listen. You never understand this sort of thing until it's far too late.

In any event; NEW YORK WAS AMAZING. It's so beautiful. There's so much to take in. I took a lot of pictures but it's really one of those cities that you can't understand just from seeing pictures. There's this electric flow that I've never felt before. The city gets you high.
SO MUCH WALKING though. Oh my god. It really gets to you when you try and walk up two flights of stairs on the third day.
God, there's so much that I still haven't even taken in. It's amazing.
Right now though I think I need to go and lay back down. Maybe I'll ramble later.

Spent as confused as I'll ever be.
I'm pretty sick of this trend in my life that my mom and I started calling 'attack of the ex-boyfriends'.
It's getting old.
I need a break.

But I'm good.
I have to go pack my things to go home.

I never update on here anymore. At first I was telling myself that it was because I didn't know what to say or I didn't have anything to say at all. I know better than that now. I have plenty to say. My mind is OVERFLOWING with things to say... I just don't have the balls to say any of it. If I open my mouth then everyone is going to figure out that I'm not half as stable as I claim to be. Maybe stable is the wrong word. I don't know the words anymore. I'm stable, I'm fine, I'm actually quite happy. The problem though is that (as always) I can't make up my mind on ANYTHING. It's getting worse. And it doesn't make sense that an opinionated person like myself can't make decisions, but it's possible, I promise. It's going on now. I don't know what the hell I want. I know what I don't want, so I can knock all of that off the list, but there's still a billion possibilities after that. I don't know, I'm rambling. I'm always rambling. If you're planning on reading this whole update then you might as well get used to it.
I don't know where I left off in here. I don't feel like reading my last update. So if I'm repeating or recapping anything just skim over it, I won't be offended. Hell, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. ::shrug:: I'm gonna write anyway. I'm in a typing mood.
I'm sitting on my aunt beth's couch. My mom and I are in Georgia for a week because my grandfather died. We're staying at Beth's. We're home alone a lot because Beth doesn't get home until 7-ish, Rachael gets picked up from work after she gets out, and Beth's husband Gene is gone Monday-Friday. So yeah, it's 10 on a friday morning and I'm sitting in my pajamas updating my ij. FUN SHIT.
Rachael's the shit. I'm sharing a room with her for the week. She's not even a blanket hog =D
Tonight she's taking me out so i can see how these southern kids party. Wooooh! I met her boyfriend this morning. He takes her to school and he overslept today so they skipped first period and just hung out with us for a little while. She woke me up and shit. I had to walk out and meet him in my pjs and bedhead. LOVELY. He seems like a nice guy. He's like off the boat German, accent and all. I think it's cute because she's mexican. They're both out of place together. I don't like him though. Like they're cute together and whatnot, but she and I were talking last night and she made light of a situation that I don't think she should've. And then this morning when they walked out I saw the way that he insists on having his hand on her back while they walk. Most people would probably think it's nothing, but I thought it looked like he was trying to guide her a little too much... she looked like a piece of property. I don't like that one bit.
She always ends up with the wrong guys. I don't see her often but we talk online and whatnot. She always goes on about these fantastic guys that she's found and then a few months later she's completely heartbroken and I can see that she could've seen it coming. She's too much like me though. I've made a few realizations while I've been down here. Staying in a house with a bunch of chicks all from the same bloodline you learn a lot about yourself. We're all so similar and that's not necessarily a good thing. I realized that we're all the same in one distrubing way; we almost need men in our lives (in my case it's a little different because of my sexual orientation, but you get the point). We don't feel whole unless we're giving ourselves away. The problem is that there are far too many douchebags in the world. We give ourselves away to the wrong people. It's terrible to watch, but I do the same things. That's just who and how we are.
Speaking of... My love life, as always, is a little messy right now. Rob's watching my house and shit these days. He's lost it. Mom's talking about getting a P.P.O.
Sal is a big deal these days. We spend a lot of time together. He's a complete sweetheart, but I'm worried that this will just end badly like the last few. I'm far too trusting these days. We're taking it slow.
Robert called the other day. That kind of threw me. He just wanted to say hi, we talked for a minute. It was nice but really odd.
Anthony and Rachel are living together. They fight a lot. That whole situation is messy as hell as far as I can tell. I'm trying to stay out of it.
Uggg, I have to go. Mom wants me to help her clean haha

So that problem that I wasn't sure if it was a problem; figured it out. I tested my theory and I've now come to the conclusion that said problem is not really a problem. But I am now taking precaution to ensure that it doesn't become a problem. So, it's all good.

Jerry keeps using my new big green mug for his tea. It's pissing me off. Back up off my cup, Old man, I'm tryin to get my coffee on.

Matthew has a little friend over and they keep wrestling. It's loud, annoying, and obnoxious. Oh, and now Alice is hurt. Sweeeet.

Alice in Chains is a real downer right now. Damn XM always playing sad 90s music. Not always a good thing.

I want to learn to play guitar. That'd be nice. I wish I had an accoustic to learn on.
NEW GOAL- Before I die, write a song on accoustic guitar.
Sweet.

I've been setting a lot of goals lately. I think I'm going through another self-betterment phase. Yeah, probably.
I have this mental list of things I need to do. And I can't help but think that if I do all of the things on this list I'll be better off.
It's a good feeling of hope, I guess. I like these phases.

Did you know that Shakespeare invented the word 'manager'.
He invented a lot of words, actually. Countless words (even the word 'countless'! lmao).
Manager.
Lonely.
Eyeball.
Eyesore.
Laughingstock.
Jaded.
Alligator.
Fashionable.
Gossip.
Mimic.
They say there's over 3000. That's sick!
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is about the most interesting thing I've learned my Junior year of highschool lol.
Fuck public schooling. Such a drag.

I think I just want to write a really long update.
I just realized I'm totally rambling. Whatever...

I'm chain-smoking. I should probably stop this before my lungs give out.
I've actually been having a harder time breathing lately. I'm a little worried.
In the mornings when Anthony, Mom, and I wake up all at the same time you can just walk through the house and hear a chorus of smoker's coughs. It's pretty sad.

Today was the Camp Cavell reunion thing after school. It was pretty sweet.
Not many people showed up though. Kinda lame...
But I just sat talking to Barb the whole time and then she ended up giving me a ride home. She's probably the coolest thing that happened at Cavell lol.

Shit, and now I have to get off of the computer again.
I was just getting started =(

Woke up
Drank coffee
Watched House
Smoked a cigarette
Talked to Rob
Checked myspace
Updated IJ
Took cold medicine and vitamin
Called Robert
Smoked a cigarette
Drank Tea
Texted Nick
Listened to the Doors
Day dreamed
Smoked a cigarette
Made a choker
Listened to Garbage
Smoked a cigarette
Checked myspace
Updated IJ




Not a very productive day, I haven't even gotten dressed. But notice I've only had 4 cigarettes =D
Yeah, just felt like throwing that out there.

I don't update enough.
Flat out.
But here's another attempt...

I'm sick. It blows. I'm spending the day sitting on my ass trying to feel better though because I really CAN'T afford to miss school tomorrow. I've already missed too much. If I don't mount my prints for photo tomorrow they won't be ready for the critique on Tuesday and I'll be ANOTHER critique behind. I can't do that. I really can't.
And I'm sososo pround of my results on this assignment. I like critiques because it gives me a chance to hold my prints up next to everyone else's in the class and really see that I'm getting somewhere as a photographer. It sounds terrible and selfish, but I love it. I guess I need a reminder that I'm good at something...

Today marks two months of Rob and I being together. He surprised me by calling from work when he knew I'd be up. It was really sweet.
He got his license last wednesday. We've already been seeing eachother more, so that's good.
He would be coming over after work today but he's going to be with Kaylee. I'm fine with that. It actually makes me really happy to know that she comes before me, that's the way it should be.
Finally, I found a guy with his priorities straight.

I need to come up with that money for the New York trip with NAHS. I've made a bunch of jewelry and I'm spreading the word around school and shit, but it's slow to start. I guess I just really need to advertise. I wish my camera worked.
More than that, i wish Michael hadn't lost all of my usb cords when he moved around the damn livingroom.
More than that, I wish he'd get off of his ass and help me look for them.
More than that, I wish he'd stop wasting his money on stupid shit and pay for the trip like he said he would months ago so I don't have to scrimp and save to pay for it myself.

That's enough of that.

I've been in a delightful mood for the most part lately. I've been trying again at just not letting shit get to me. It seems to be working pretty well.
The only time it doesn't is when I'm alone and thinking about a certain problem I've been having. Actually, it's not when I'm thinking about a problem, it's when I'm debating with myself over whether or not the 'problem' actually is a problem. It's complicated.
But the only time that I seem to really debate it is when I'm in the shower. So I've been showering less...
That sounds childish, but I don't care, at least I'm being honest.

Aimee, don't trip out and don't spend too much time trying to figure out what it is. When I'm ready to talk about it you'll be the first person that I go to, so just give me time.

Oh shizzz, I have to get off the computer. I'll update again when I can.

I don't update nearly enough.
Let's not dwell on it though, because it'll just distract me from updating now.

I'm sitting in Aimee's kitchen. I spent the night here after helping paint Emily's new apartment. Aimee and Ted are at church right now with Ted's dad. It's one of the 'firsts' since Ted's mom died. I can't even imagine what that would be like for his dad. The thought of losing ANYONE I love kills me, but the thought of losing my spouse, my other half. GOD DAMN. I don't even know if I've found them yet, but I can't imagine losing them. That'd just kill me, I think. I'd have to go with them.

Enough of this death stuff... I'm still alive dammit. That's what counts, right?

Aimee's computer has a goddam remote ::falls over laughing::
That kills me.

What can I say? Where do I start?

Well, Friday was halloween. Chris and Nurse Amy came up from Indiana, Jenny came over from Cadillac. It was like a big reunion. Those three, Kevin, Anthony, and I all went trick-or-treating by my place. After Rob took Kaylee trick-or-treating he came over and we immediately went back to Kevin's for a bonfire. Two of Kevin's friends came over and were lame. It was pretty sweet though. Anthony and I bought the tree and we all just smoked our faces off. We all laughed, told stories, competed for who could tell the stupidest joke. It was amazing. I think that I really needed that night. I needed the reminder that everything can just be lighthearted for a few hours. Anthony made an improv coombaya (spelling?) and it was like 2 minutes long and AMAZING. Unfortunately it was like right after he put away the dictaphone =(
I would've loved to hear that again in a year haha. SOSOSO funny.
There was one shitty part to the night though. Everyone sort of started attacking my age and bringing up that Rob could go to jail for being with me and shit. It's one thing to tease me about my age, that's normal. I'm the only one in the group that can't buy cigarettes legally and they love reminding me of that. But they turned it offensive and brought my sex life into it. It was actually really harsh.
I'm not even thinking about having sex with Rob. Well, it would be a lie if I said I hadn't thought about it... but I'm not thinking about it actually happening. We're seriously taking it really slow. We like it the way it is. We've had very long and very meaningful conversations about the possibility and we've come to the conclusion that we're not ready at all.
I'm sick of sex. That sounds crazy, but it's true. It's not that I'm sick of the act, that sort of thing (when done right) never gets old. I'm just sick of what happens afterward. I'm sick of the changes it brings.
With Robert it was amazing. It started out very meaningful, very beautiful. I have absolutely no regrets. I'm glad to have had my first time with someone that meant that much to me. It turned into something ugly though. By the end of our relationship the only thing keeping us together was the good sex. I HATE THAT. I hate knowing that what we had came down to that. Robert and I were so... I don't even know how to express it. Robert knew me as well as I knew myself and visa versa. I would still take a bullet for that boy, I swear. But I really do believe that the sex complicated it toooooo much. No one will ever understand everything that happened between he and I, but that's about the best I can lay it out.
With Dom... I was stupid. I thought there was more there than there was. I was blinded. I was STUPID. I gave him what he wanted because I thought that was how it worked. It wasn't though. He was there for the sex. Mark my words: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Rob. Rob is almost too good to be true. I see his good, I see his bad. He sees my good, he sees my bad. We take eachother as we are and ask nothing more. We're still getting to know eachother, honestly. I don't want the pace we're at to change one bit. Sex would be trying to jump over the grand canyon instead of taking the long way around. We're enjoying the walk.
On top of all of my reasons he has his. No one seems to have stopped to consider that he has a daughter. She's a little more than a year old and he hasn't had sex since she was conceived. Does no one realize how scary the idea of sex can be for him now? When he was still a child he had a child with someone that he knew he didn't love. He's learned from his mistakes.
The point of all of that- Sex doesn't concern us right now and it would be wonderful if it didn't concern our friends as well.

Wow, if that wasn't one hell of a rant I don't know what is.

I'm listening to Aimee's music now. I hope she doesn't get mad lol.
And I'm eating her pumpkin seeds...
I feel at home haha.

She gave me a set of proactive last night and I'm sooooosooosooo happy about it. I've wanted that shit for ages. It's only the little set, but if it works for me I'll be buying it once it's out. I just haven't wanted to make the investment without knowing if my skin will react badly to it. But I used it last night and I see nothing but improvement, so BAM lol.

I've been updating for like 45 minutes.
Anyway...

Do sunflower seeds taste anything like sunflowers? Pumpkin seeds don't taste very pumpkin-y...
Just a thought.

I have no idea how to work the music player on here. I haven't broken anything though.
Her Maria Mena collection is impressive as hell. I haven't heard half of this in ages. I cant find the shit anymore, it's nice to hear it again.
When Rachel and I first started hanging out all we listened to was Maria Mena. It was amazing. I miss the old Rachel, seriously.
It kills me to see how she is now because it's not AT ALL who I used to think she was. I thought we had some sort of special connection, but I guess it was bullshit. I don't know.
Whatever.

I'm smoking my last cigarette. Aimee and Ted should be home in like less than an hour with more though so I'm not too worried.
I'm smoking too much lately. I was doing really well for awhile, but I'm just so stressed lately. Home isn't as lovely as I'd like to be able to honestly say. Rob wants us to quit together. We haven't decided when though. I think it'd be a good idea if we saw eachother more. We could get on eachothers asses about it better.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I remember having a dream about my Marylin lighter the other night. That's so weird. I hadn't thought about it until now but I don't know where it went. I haven't seen it in awhile. It just sort of disappeared when i broke up with Dom...
But I had this dream the other night that Siara had it or something. I don't really remember. That's strange.

Maria Mena is one broken lady. Wow. I hadn't thought about it in awhile. She's really good at wording heartbreak though.

I miss Lyss. She has this thing on her myspace with pictures of her best friends in it. I'm the first one. She puts these little blurbs about the person underneath the picture and the one for me is just full of inside jokes lol. I love it.
We don't spend nearly enough time together these days =(
I don't spend nearly enough time with anyone lately. I just sit at home all the damn time hating my house. It's so negative and tense. We're all holding our breath because of mom.
The day that tether comes off will kill me. She's going to drink, I know it. I have a feeling that'll be the day I'm forced to face the reality of moving out. I know that however things go I'm not going to leave on good terms.
The inevitable-
She will relapse eventually.
I will speak up about it.
We will fight.
I will leave.
I don't know if it will be by choice or not, but I know it's coming.

It's all scary.
That's why I'm smoking so much.
The little girl in me is hiding in a corner and I can't get her out. The light from the windows doesn't touch her. She's not full of hope like she used to be. She knows the end is coming and she's so stubborn. She doesn't see the good in anything anymore. She's just scared and lost.
The woman in me is ready to take charge, but she won't go without the girl. I don't want to lose her.
I don't want to be one of those cold old women. I don't want to lose the child in me. I need to get her out of the corner and back into the sunshine. It'll remind her that there is beauty in everything.
I don't know. I'll figure it all out, I'm just having a hard time with it.

Alright, I have to go get ready.
They'll be home soon and then we'll be going to Emily's.

Peace,
Bee

I haven't updated on here in ages. I haven't been writing at all much for the past few months. Well, other than starting my quote book...
I like quoting people. I have scraps of paper with quotes on them all over my room and one day I decided I should put it all in one place. I still haven't gotten EVERYTHING in there yet, but it's a pretty good chunk of quotes out of the world. I'm happy with it.
But I guess that's not really writing, just copying. I haven't written about myself in ages. I'm sort of having a hard time just with this.
I finally broke up with Dom in Mid-September. I was grounded at the time and he used that as a good opportunity to sleep around on me, I guess. I was sick of his shit anyway, it just took that to throw me far enough to actually dump his ass.
It ended with him saying some nasty shit and that's when I really realized what had happened to me. I wasn't myself, I was an idiot with him. Wreckless, stupid, immature as hell; the whole sha-bang.
It was a pretty good learning experience now that I look back though. Never again will a stupid boy (emphasis on 'BOY') make me question my own morals.
I'm doing a lot of moving on in my life right now. I'm really trying to lighten up (but that's been a work in progress for years...) and it's working. Slowly but surely.
I'm trying not to take everything so seriously, but not in the way I had over the summer. I care, it's just I'm trying not to let anything small ruin my days. I was freaking out about college the other day and then I just reminded myself that it's 2 fucking years away, I gotta mellow out lol. It worked.
I'm pretty happy with school right now. I've found that as long as I can force myself through my first 3 hours I'm ok for the day. The urges to ditch stop once I hit fourth because the rest of the day are blow-offs and photo.
I lovelovelove photo at this point. We had our Landscape assignment critique just yesterday and I got some pretty good remarks as well as some pretty good feedback. Prange's going to be showing me some tricks in the darkroom on the upcoming Portrait of a Friend assignment. Things like dodging and showing me better cropping techniques (not as easy as they sound, I promise). I'd live in the darkroom if they'd let me. There's no better rush in my opinion than watching your artwork, things you had captured days prior, appear on a piece of paper in a tray of chemicals. I'm a total nerd and I don't even care.
I LOVE IT.
Grandpa's talking about the possibility of giving me an old enlarger for Christmas, that'd be fantastic.
Mom and Michael won't be doing much for me for Christmas since I already got them to sign the papers commiting to pay for my $800 New York trip with the National Art Honor Society in the spring haha. Fine by me. They were talking about getting me a car, but they wouldn't let me keep it once I moved out anyway, it's like a temporary gift. A loaner car or a once in a lifetime tour of New York for SCHOOL. I'm goin to New York, Baby haha
I'll be going to Camp Cavell next month too. It's this big camping group therapy thing for school once a year. Teachers recommend like 20 kids a year and they go camping without any electronics for a weekend. Every year the kids come back with these amazing stories and bonds. I'm kind of curious to know if they brainwash them, I'll tell you once I get back. I'm going to have to get my hands on some nicotine patches whlie I'm there though. If I get caught smoking up there they'll call the cops, suspend me from school, and make my parents come and pick me up from Lexington lmfao. Not tryin to do that, man.
On the up-shot, I'm down to about 10 cigarettes a day (on a normal day). I only had 8 yesterday. Yay me!
I'm comin down off of a pretty good high compliments of the madre before the kids got home. Goodgoodgood shit. It's lasted about 4 fuckin hours haha.
OH, I've been cutting down on the intoxicants too. This is the first I've smoked since Saturday, before that it was the Sunday before. Damn, that's like once or twice a week. Intense.
I was just watching Unsolved Mysteries. This shit is sooo old. You can tell by the quality and camera work.
So I might as well just spit it out. There's new love in my life. Rob. RobRobRob.
He was the drummer in the band Anthony was in back in his like Freshmen year. We've known eachother forever. We started really getting to know eachother just before school got out for Summer. We talked on the phone a lot and then started writing letters.
He's fantastic. A great musician and visual artist. He's really spiritually in-tune. Optimistic, caring, gentle, cute, opinionated, thoughtful, loves nature, interested in philosophy, mature, kind, open. Ugggg he's amazing. We click so wonderfully. We want really similar things out of life too.
He brightens my days. He knows what to say and do without even asking.
He makes me happy, I make him happy and that's all that matters for now. He agrees. We agree on a lot of things.

So I have to go eat dinner. I'm sitting here in my hobo gloves and hot food sounds like the best idea ever. We got the gas turned back on, but they still won't turn it above 68 degrees =(
I'll try and get back to this soon, this wasn't a full update considering how long it's been.

As always,
Bee.

Dom pulls these occasional disappearing acts.
They're getting more frequent.
I haven't heard from him in about 28 hours and last night his mother hadn't either. I don't know what's happened since then though...

I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of him being so selfish.
I'm sick of him running off like a little kid with no fucking responsibilities.
I'm sick of him not caring how his actions effect others.
I'm sick of him not thinking of me when he chooses to do shit like this. If he did, he wouldn't do it.
I'm sick of him breaking promises.
I'm sick of him getting everything he wants all the time.
I'm sick of the world revolving around him.
I'm sick of caring for someone that only cares about himself.
I'm sick of not standing my ground.
I'm sick of being the worried girlfriend.
I'm sick of not knowing whether or not I'm sick of being the girlfriend.

Jenny said I need to find a guy that'll kiss the ground I walk on. That would be wonderful.
It's too bad it'll never fucking happen.
Especially not while I'm mixed up with guys like Dom that are too busy running away from their problems.

Why did I fall for him?
I told myself not to.
And it's not that he's completely selfish ALL the time. He's really quite sweet at times.
I'm just not sure of whether or not those times are frequent enough...






I gotta go.

Aimee says I'm acting very 16 today...
Ok.
I think I kind of have a right. I am 16 and all.

Mom came home.
Drank 4 hours later.


I'm so fucking sick of her.